After my brother died, a friend welcomed me to the worst club in the world. If you’re reading this, it’s likely that you’re a part of that club now too. So…welcome! Though the circumstances of our losses and the relationships we had with our people vary greatly, we don’t exist on different planets. We speak the same language and we know what has helped us get by. We know what the waves of grief feel like and we have some insider tips to get through some of the more unexpected moments of pain.
Grief and The Holidays
At no point is the loss of a family member more obvious than during the holiday season. It’s littered with reminders that someone is missing. That the family is incomplete. An empty chair at the dinner table, one less gift to give, a feeling that the house is somehow quieter than it used to be. The first season is a test of strength, but you don’t have to go it alone.
What follows is not a to-do list, but rather a few things that have worked for a few of us. They’re not prescriptions, they’re not even sure to work for you, but they’re actionable steps to take in order to keep moving, and right now that’s the only priority. It’ll be hard and there will be times that you’d prefer to forego these steps for the more attractive hibernating-for-a-month-until-it’s-all-over trick, but just remember the club mantra: you’ve been through worse.
Give yourself a minute
The first holiday season after a death is a sort of limbo state between how the holidays used to be and how they will be moving forward. It’s confusing and uncomfortable and it might feel like things would be better if you just didn’t celebrate that year. The best thing, perhaps the only good thing, about being in Grief Club is that you can do whatever you want (within reason)! You have no obligation to celebrate this year, and can use this extra time to do a jigsaw puzzle or finally binge The Sopranos or cry until your face hurts. This season, if you feel so inclined, give yourself the priceless gift of doing absolutely nothing.
Create something new
The question a lot of us ask is, “How do you get back to the way the holidays used to be?” The answer for most of us is: “You don’t.” Life feels very different now, maybe you’ve noticed. The traditions you held in the past may just not cut it anymore. Depending on who you lost, some of those traditions might not even be possible now. You are not beholden to any of the things you used to do. You’re free to never eat a turkey or play Monopoly or listen to Michael Bublé again if you so please. Throw them on the (metaphorical) Yule log, do something you actually like, and give yourself the grace to enjoy it.
Talk about them
Don’t be concerned that saying your person’s name is going to somehow remind everyone that they’re dead. Grief Tip #84: Everyone’s already thinking about it. It will sting the first couple of times you try, but once you get to a point of normalizing their name again, it will feel more natural, and like they are still in some way a part of this day again. Make a holiday recipe that they loved to make and don’t despair that it tastes far worse than when they used to make it. Watch their favorite movie, tell stories about them, laugh.
Show up for the people around you
Disclaimer: This is the hardest one. Even if the holidays have completely lost their spark for you there might be someone that you love that’s still holding out hope that this holiday season will be special. They experienced the same loss that you did but maybe due to their age or the fact that they’re just a sentimental person, they’re optimistic about the holidays. Do something for them. The simple act of showing up for someone else, even when you’re hurting, can be an incredibly healing experience. Be somebody that they can rely on, and make or give them something meaningful. It will empower you.
The holiday season is the time that you get to be with the people who know your loss the best. For some of us, that’s the main reason they become so hard. We’d prefer to contain our grief within ourselves because we know it’s controllable that way, but as soon as it’s shared, it becomes too much. The thing is, in some ways, the holidays are meant for this very thing. To share the grief. To collectively remember the people who are no longer with us while finding the road back to joy. These two feelings can, and likely always will, exist at the same time from here on out. It’s difficult and beautiful and terrifying and profound. Welcome to the club.
Written by:
Daniel Fabi
Mental Health Counseling
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